5 little ducks went out to play...

Yesterday we went to the BYU duck pond and surprise surprise there were tons of adorable little baby ducklings!!! Amanda and I had just been there a week before and saw no signs of baby ducks so it was just lucky for us to be there again at the right time.

They were so adorable! The yellow one especially!


These two "bigger babies" were just hanging out on the grass the whole time. A girl picked them up and Robby got to pet them for a second which he thought was awesome. I guess these ducks get used to people fast! (They're at the BYU Botany Pond)

Yeah for new baby ducks and beautiful weather! Here's to hoping spring is here to stay!

tracing Robby...

I remember in school one time doing these drawings of ourselves - laying down and someone tracing us... so I decided to try this with Robby. I laid out a big piece of paper from our easel and had him lay down on the table while I traced him. He was a little ticklish but by the time I was done he was saying, "more! More!" Then we spent some time coloring the Robby. It was a fun project!

Great news... and a really long answer

...my blood test results from yesterday came back with an hcg level of 0! That means that everything has for sure passed and the miscarriage is "complete." So with my hcg level back down hopefully the rest of my hormones will get in check so these dang headaches will stop! I've kind of had one constant headache today.... but at least I know the main physical part of things is over!

I have had a lot people ask me, "why not just get a D&C? What is so bad about a D&C?" That is a good question!

Let me first explain something about myself..... when I get into a situation I haven't been in before the first thing I do is try to find out everything I can about it. I bought or read about 10 different how to get pregnant books, then the pregnancy books/websites, then the new baby books, the how to get your kid to sleep books and forums.... then the miscarriage info.... so....

At the ultrasound where I found out the baby had stopped developing the ultrasound tech kind of freaked me out and made it sound like I'd need to get a D&C that day. We talked to a different doctor there who said I could definitely wait till the next day and talk to my doctor, Dr. Savage, about it.

I went home and googled "have a d&c or wait to miscarry" and found lots of interesting links, especially this one. I also read a lot of details on what a D&C actually is and what it entails on sites like this. The description of the procedure kind of scared me - just the thought of it makes my knees weak....

This info here helped me think about the decision....

Do I want to wait for a natural miscarriage?

Advantages: If you wait, you can feel certain that there was no mistake made. When the baby comes you will know that nature has run its course. You can go home instead of going immediately to a hospital or office procedure. You can take a little time to say goodbye and gather loved ones around you.

Disadvantages: This can take several days and be extremely painful and scary. You may have to have a D&C anyway if everything does not come out (called an incomplete abortion). It may be distressing to think of walking around with your baby who is no longer living. Having tissue come at home may be frightening and you may feel awkward trying to save it, although you must if you want any testing done.

Do I want a D&C?

Advantages: This is mostly painless and will get you back on track to start trying again much sooner. The physical part of the ordeal will end.

Disadvantages: There is some risk of damaging the cervix during dilation, although that has mostly been taken care of by using laminaria, or seaweed sticks to dilate you gently overnight. Some doctors now use a cream to begin dilation. (If this will not be done, ask if you are going to be dilated (very early pregnancies may not need it), and how. Mechanical dilation is riskier. Some women also worry about punctures or perforations of the uterus. While this is a possibility, the risk is small. Even if this should this happen, the uterus will usually heal without complications or harm to your next pregnancy. The main disadvantage to this procedure is that you will not get to see the baby, ever. If you are pretty far along, this may be very important.

If your doctor does not agree with your decision to either wait or to have a D&C, GET A SECOND OPINION. This is your baby and your life. If you need a second opinion, a good place to go is a women's hospital or clinic, where they usually focus on you, not the procedure, and help you make the best decision based on all the information available.

**I bolded that last part because I think it's a very important point!!!

The next day I called and talked to Dr. Savage and we discussed my options. Let me just stress - THAT is the sign of a good doctor. She discusses my options with me. I am shocked to hear, from lots of people, that their doctor decided they needed a D&C but didn't even explain there was another choice, or their lack of choice. And depending on their situation there may not have been but unless signs of infection (from the tissue that hasn't passed) are imminent that is unlikely. (Not that I'm a doctor or anything but from everything I've read and discussed with my doctor there is no medical reason to not have a few days to wait if you want to try and let it pass naturally if infection isn't a concern yet.)

It was hard for me to decide - I told Dr Savage I was nervous about having a D&C (I've never been under general anesthetia and there are always risks with that along with the other risks with a D&C) but that emotionally it would be hard to wait a long time... she said she'd be ok with me waiting a week, maybe two, and I decided that if I didn't start miscarrying on my own after the weekend (it was Thurs when we talked) that I'd have a D&C Monday morning.

I started to miscarry naturally Sunday night... I was grateful to miscarry naturally but yes it was very hard. If I'd had a D&C right away the physical aspect probably would have lasted only a couple of days, but again there are some risks which could've meant more long lasting negative physical effects. Also, a D&C would have been expensive for us, even with our insurance. A D&C is a major surgery and shouldn't be taken lightly. Looking back there were moments when I thought maybe it would've been better to just have had a D&C so that it would be over faster, but at the same time I can know for sure my body did what it needed to do and in it's own/natural way.

There are definitely times when a D&C is the best thing, like if the tissue will not pass by itself and is causing infection, or ultimately if a woman feels that's the best choice for her. Dr. Savage said when she had a miscarriage she had a D&C right away because she was in med school and felt like the best thing for her was to have the procedure and get it over quickly. D&C's are very common and most people I know who've had them had good experiences. It just didn't seem like the right choice for me.

The important thing is that a woman should know her options and be able to choose if at all possible. Sometimes you need to speak up and force your doctor to give you the information you need but you should always be treated with respect!

Even though it was awkward I switched doctors 2 different times (so, a total of 3 doctors) during my pregnancy to find a doctor who really cared about what I wanted. The reason I love Dr. Savage (who is a family practice doctor, not an OB) is because she just really cares about what the woman wants - if you want to go for a non medicated birth, great! If you know you want an epidural for sure, great! She gives you information to make good decisions. So if you need a good doctor she's awesome. You can find her info here.

Ok, sorry for this ridiculously long post.... I have a problem with being concise and not sharing all of my feelings and thoughts. Hopefully this all made some sense....

and a post w/o pictures is boring but what pictures exactly go with this subject? so sorry!

Watching James...

Today Robby and I hung out with James while Taba got her cut (by the wonderful Stacy!). Since my house isn't super exciting I took the boys to the park. They looked so cute in the swings together...

And look how they've grown since September during a different babysitting James day....

Robby's hair was so blonde!

It was fun playing with you today James!!! You're such a good boy!

New 'do photo shoot

I got my hair done Tuesday night by my cousin Stacy and I love it! I've so been needing/looking forward to getting my hair done - what is it that is so theraputic about it?? I don't know but it's great.

Like random braids in my hair Rob can't understand a girl's need to sometime's do a little photo shoot!!! Sheesh! He took a few pics (ok, more than a few, 15) but really only a few turned out postable but who really needs to see a ton of pictures of me? So I guess we can thank him....

Stacy always does an amazing job - she does just want I want even when I can't articulate what I want! It's great. So if anyone needs a good hairdresser go see her!!! She works at Stewart Palmer Studio in Provo, right on State Street. Email her at stacy_tay@yahoo.com. And tell her I sent you!

For Liv

Liv inspired me to try one of these little braid numbers in my hair..... I know she'll think it's cute, unlike Rob who when he got in the car looked at my hair and said, "what the heck is that?"

good news about me

So last week I had another blood test and my hcg level has finally come down! From over 2,000 all the way down to 32!!! So it looks like everything is going the right way and we'll do another blood test next week and it should be down to 0 then. This means that I was able to miscarry on my own and will avoid the d&c - which I was hoping to do.

Physically things are going much better - finally stopped bleeding, the cramps seemed like they stopped and maybe are now starting again but hopefully cause I'll get my period soon, and the only thing left are these dang headaches. They're just kind of off and on but they stink.... but it's not as constant and hopefully they'll go away for good soon.

I'm so grateful to be nearing the end of the physical process. I think one of the main things that will help me heal emotionally is being pregnant again so I really hope that happens again fast. There are still things that set me off and make me cry.... for the most part I think I am pretty open to talking about it and can talk about it without crying, but then random things just set me off.... it's just still hard adjusting to the reality of the future... that it doesn't include a baby in October anymore.... that our Christmas card will not be of a family of four.... that my belly isn't growing.... that by the end of May I won't know the gender of my next child....

Again, I'm grateful for my faith in God's plan for me because I have not felt bitter or felt like "why me?".... and I'm just so so so grateful for all the wonderful people around me who are helping me get through this.... thanks everyone for your support. It means SO much...

Robby's actual birthday...

We had Robby's birthday party the day before his birthday because Rob was busy with work on his actual birthday.... but I still felt like we had to celebrate and do something fun!!

What's more fun than a freezing cold day at Thanksgiving Point's Farm Country??? :) Robby was thrilled to get his pony ride and to see all the fun animals. Thanks Liv for bringing your kiddos out with us.

as you can tell from Robby's runny nose it was pretty dang cold! But don't these kids look cute?

After that we went and had lunch at McDonald's and let the kids play in the play place which was huge and fun.

Ahh, 2 is such a fun age!

not quite past tense

I feel almost silly putting another update on my blog about this but since it's not over I guess I still need to talk about it.

Last week we were able to compare my hcg levels from 2 different blood tests (5 days apart) and the numbers - which the goal is to get down to 2 or 0 - were still above 2000.... the first about 2200 and the second 2050.... the good thing is they were going down just not as much as I was hoping. My doctor is wonderful and does not freak about about anything - she said we'd just check it again in a week (so that will be this Wed or so) and if it isn't going down significantly then we'll do an ultrasound to see if there's tissue remaining in there and if so probably do a d&c at that point. While it was a great visit with my doctor I'm still frustrated at the continuation of cramps, spotting, and weird hormonal headaches.... I hope to avoid a d&c still but at the same time I want it all to be over and if my body is not going to cooperate I will be happy to have an alternative to help end this physical process.

So I should have more information towards the end of the week of how things are going.... but you do realize it's already been 18 days since I found out I was going to miscarry? And it is so difficult that I can't even say, "I HAD a miscarriage" because I'm still HAVING a miscarriage. It's hard to move on emotionally when I'm still having physical symptoms and know it's not complete yet....

*A positive - during my visit with Dr. Savage this week we discussed getting pregnant again and she said I just needed to wait till my first period and then we could resume trying. I'm so grateful to not need to wait! I've read many different things depending on how far along you are when you miscarry, if you've had a d&c or not, or what your dr's opinion is... So I'm just glad she isn't advising me to wait 3 months or something because that would be really hard... it took 9 months to get pregnant this time (7 months for Robby) and I just pray that it happens more quickly.... When trying to get pregnant with Robby (again, sorry if this is TMI, just maybe wait for the next post if it is...) it was kind of hard work in terms of knowing just when I ovulated and being so calculating... I was so grateful I'd been able to get pregnant without turning it into a science project! But I've already warned Rob that this time around I'm pulling out all the stops, breaking out my TCOYF book, and doing whatever old wives tale/random thing I can to help this process along!

I found out I was pregnant on my birthday. It was the best birthday present I could've asked for. I was so happy....

*Another positive - I am so blessed to have so many people who love and care about me and have helped watch Robby and bring us food and check in on me.... this experience has shown me how important it is to really take care of each other! Thank you everyone who has helped me with your acts of service, prayers, kind words....


It's hard trying to live my normal life having this unresolved physical/emotional huge experience still hanging open.... my heart still feels a little broken....

A BYU Birthday Party...

I told Robby a few days ago that we were going to have a BYU Birthday Party for him and that is all he has been talking about.... asking everyone individually... "Tyler, you come my BYU birfday party?" "Annie...." "Becca...." "Robby...." SO EXCITED. "My BYU Birthday party cake...." everything has been about his BYU Birthday Party. Mind you I really didn't have anything "BYU" planned except asking people to dress in BYU clothes and having some blue streamers... I obviously haven't been in *party* mood lately and kind of had to throw this party together last minute... so that's why I was so grateful and excited that my brother Andrew got this guy to come to Robby's party.....

Yup, Cosmo came in his Cosmomobile and kicked off the party! The party was an instant success. You should have seen Robby's face.... if I can figure out how to get the footage from our video camera on here I will show you his face cause it was awesome...

Go BYU!

Robby was much less scared today at the party than when we see Cosmo at games. He still wouldn't let him hold him but he was giving high fives and happy! Cosmo was so nice - he let all the families take pictures with him and hung out until he had to leave to go to another BYU event!

They got to check out the cosmobile! Pretty awesome!

Some of the girls....


The first cake I've made in..... years? And yeah it's from a box but still I just don't make cakes... Thanks Becca for taking him this morning so I could make this for Robby!
Robby looked at the cake and he said, "Go BYU!" Promise he can't read but it did say Go BYU so it was pretty cute!


He got some awesome gifts! Olivia is ridiculous with her homemade gifts -Robby was so excited about this BYU book she made him!!!

It was a great party! We couldn't have it on his *actual* birthday, tomorrow, because Rob has something for work he couldn't get out of, so we'll just have to celebrate some more tomorrow!

GO BYU!