Thanks for caring

I feel so loved from all of you who've commented, texted, facebooked.... thank you. I'm sorry I made you guys all wait in suspense with me to just once again be let down. :( Luckily not every cycle is like this one... most I can get through without too much wondering about it. Otherwise these last almost three years would've KILLED me.

I don't know how you ladies who are TTC and have long, irregular cycles do it! I've taken for granted my super regular cycles and even the fact they are so short (26 days usually) means it's over and we try again right away... So I can't imagine every cycle going through this long uncertain phase... so emotionally draining...

I just had really really wanted this to be it - the idea of not having to go through doing more fertility stuff was so exciting! I don't want to do invitro, I don't want to figure it out, I don't want to spend thousands and thousands of dollars on it.... ahhhh! But I do want to have another baby. Just one more! Or if we did IVF and got 2 or 3 ok! I just want one more baby and then I won't even ask for another one! Just one sibling for Robby. One more kid. And I don't know why but adoption doesn't feel like the answer for us - at least not right now.

Anyways! Thank you guys for being so supportive and for caring!

One day I'll have good news! I promise!

Grateful

I know I haven't been blogging as much lately... sometimes my heart and mind are just so full with deeper thoughts that it's difficult to not share so at the risk of constantly oversharing I think I've just not written anything... does that make sense? So here's just a few thoughts because my heart is overflowing and I need to get some things out...

I'm grateful for Thanksgiving. We had a wonderful time surrounded by family and good food.

I'm grateful for Christmas - and the chance to teach Robby about the true meaning of Christmas and in the process remind myself!

I can't NOT be grateful and happy with my life right now. I thank Heavenly Father EVERY DAY for the amazing little boy that I have and wonderful husband and just a great happy life. I can't even believe they are mine and we get to spend each day together! Obviously we are heartbroken and sad and want to have another baby and we pray for that every day... "Please bless for a baby... please bless for a baby brother and a baby sister... please bless that mommy's tummy will get big and pregnant..." It breaks but warms my heart to hear Robby's sweet pleas to our Father in Heaven.

Sometimes he'll come up to me after he sees me finish praying and ask, "Did Heavenly Father say we could have a baby?" Or if we are going to the temple he asks, "Are you going to get a baby there?" Or when I went to the hospital to be with Liv he asked, "Are you going to get a baby at the hop-is-it-tal?" He can't quite wrap his brain around it. But I know he has faith and he believes that one day he will have a brother or a sister and we do too.

It's just hard... the illusive "one day"... and "somehow".... you want to be doing all that's in your power to move things along and yet being restrained by money and not knowing what's going to work exactly is difficult and frustrating.

But I'm grateful that I know where to look for comfort and guidance and that I am still able to enjoy the NOW... the present... my hilarious son and darling husband. It's weird to feel such a mix of emotions on a daily basis. I know it's because of my faith and my hope that I'm able to fully enjoy each day as it is and I'm so grateful for that.

Trying not to think about it...

I think I've been missing the "therapy" that is writing about what I'm going through...

In other words - SKIP THIS POST if you don't want to hear about trying to get pregnant and all that jazz...

So we did the one cycle of IUI (insemination) and that failed. The day we did the IUI they said the sample we had brought in looked low - low count and low motility... we did the IUI anyway but they suggested we do a full SA the next week. It was stressful waiting those 2 weeks, waiting to find out if the IUI worked, waiting to get the results from Rob's test.

At first I thought I was pregnant because my chest was really sore and then I looked into it and that is one of the main side effects of progesterone which I was taking. Then my temps started to go down and I just had that sinking feeling that I knew my period was going to come. Combine that with then getting the results of Rob's test, over the phone, delivered by a not so smart nurse who said, "Uh, yeah, the count was 5 million so.... um... it looks like the recommendation for you now is to do Invitro with ICSI. Does that sound right?"

I wanted to scream, or cry, and I was just shocked. We went from thinking we'd be spending like $800/cycle to $11,000/cycle for IVF w/ICSI. NO that did NOT "sound right." I was so mad. Flustered. Upset. I got off the phone quickly and just cried.

So basically the result from the SA showed counts so low they recommended not only Invitro which is super expensive but ICSI as well. ICSI is an acronym for intracytoplasmic sperm injection - which is a fancy way of saying "inject sperm in the middle of the egg". This process adds a couple grand to the cost of Invitro.

Anyway this is just really not an option right now, IVF, so I felt kind of deflated. I eventually made an apt to go in for another consultation with Dr. Slater to talk about my options. She walked me through the process of invitro and ICSI and the success rates with that. She also said we could still try IUI which is obviously much cheaper but the chances would be less. We could try taking multiple samples of sperm and combining them and doing IUI like that which might be a good option...

We decided to do a blood test for Rob to make sure his hormones and all that were fine. We were a little concerned because when we had him tested in 2006 when we were trying for Robby his SA came back with great results! It is interesting and helpful to know that apparently that can change over time!! So even if your DH had good levels at one point, there's a chance there could still be a male factor problem.

Rob's blood test came back fine, all normal. Oh yeah, she said if it was because of "stress" then his FSH levels would be low but they were normal. Now we are just trying to figure out where to go from here. Do we try another cycle of IUI even if the odds aren't great because that's more affordable? Do nothing now and save up money for invitro? Or what about the fact we can't even really afford everything we've done so far?? Minor detail.

It's a super busy time for Rob at work so we are trying to just put this on pause right now.

Meanwhile, I apparently am having hysterical pregnancies each month where I randomly feel so sure that I'm pregnant. No really. I've taken 2 pregnancy tests MID CYCLE just because oh my tummy looks so big, or my chest is so sore, or oh this random thing and then I can't get the thought OUT OF MY HEAD. It's like a stupid obsession. I hate it! I don't WANT to think I'm pregnant when I'm not! I don't want to think about but the thoughts just keep coming. It's so annoying.

You want to know something else that is hard? There are SO many random things that other people do right before they got pregnant that are things that you think, oh we should try that but there are SO MANY different things and obviously none of them actually are proven they are more like coincidences and it's just SO HARD to want to do all that you can to improve your chances but I'm already making Rob and I choke down a handful of multi-vitamins and supplements each night and it's just hard to know what else, if anything, we should try. HARD.

Even though this is a trial and even though it's hard I do know that we have so much to be grateful for. I don't need people to tell me it's part of Heavenly Father's plan because I already believe that with all my heart. I just also know He wants us to try our hardest and do all in our power to work for the things we want before He does His part and I feel this is me doing that.

I am happy, I have a great life, the most amazing little boy, wonderful husband...

more to come...

I've been meaning to write about the other things that have happened this cycle, the IUI and how it was and everything but I'll just tell you right now that it didn't work and now we have other information that is making us need to look at other options for treatments and it's discouraging and frustrating and hard. But. We know Heavenly Father has a plan for us and we will continue to do everything we can to do our part. We have so much to be grateful for right now... I'll give more details later...

HSG - Hysterosalpingogram

Sorry for two medical posts in a row! I thought this should be it's own separate post in case anyone is searching for this topic...

In my consultation apt Dr. Slater recommended that I do an HSG test. I wasn't sure if it would be necessary or not but since we were kind of doing an "all in" approach for this cycle I figured we should go ahead and do the test now - better than to wait, have this cycle fail, then do it and find a problem that we should've fixed in the first place, does that make sense?

The HSG test looks to make sure your tubes are clear and gives you a picture of the uterus. Sometimes just the act of pushing the dye through your tubes can help clear them out and women will have success getting pregnant soon after they have the test. (They inject the dye through your uterus and into your tubes so they can take an x-ray of it)

I had scheduled an apt to do mine at Timpanogos Regional Hospital. Like I said before I spent hours on the phone trying to figure out how much this would cost and sounds like I would need to meet my $1000 deductible first and then pay another few hundred dollars. Neat. If I planned on having a baby in this calender year or going to the hospital for other stuff I might be interested in meeting my deductible but not really. So when a friend of mine just had an HSG the week before and chose to do it at Riverwoods Imaging Center I was interested in why. You can go to Riverwoods and just pay in cash for this procedure for $459. You have to agree to not send a claim to your insurance - you just pay that price and you're done. This is much less than I was planning on paying and so this worked out great! I called on Monday and was able to get in on Wednesday, which was my cycle day 8 and I needed to do it on day 6-10 so I was glad they could fit me in.

The procedure itself only takes about 5-10 minutes. I had to wait a few minutes, then change from the waist down, and then the assistant got everything ready. The doctor came in and within a few minutes he said, "well, I think I found your problem. Well, one of them..." Obviously I was very interested in what he found! He said there was some scar tissue in my cervix making it very narrow - this definitely could pose a problem for sperm trying to reach their destination! He was able to remove that in the process and then finish the test. His "preliminary" report to me was that my tubes looked open and it all looked good.

I will admit - it was kind of painful. More than I expected. There is definite cramping that comes with the procedure. It was uncomfortable... and then you might have some spotting and leaking afterwards so they said to bring a pad. I took some ibprofen and I think that helped. It wasn't anything major and I went about my day in a normal fashion but yes, it did hurt.

Overall I'm very glad I did the test. The fact that he found something *wrong* with me and fixed it (the scar tissue) is great and knowing that even just the sheer act of performing the test might help pave the way is good. And only spending $459 on it as opposed to $1500 helps a lot too!

The latest...

Another TTC update - skip if not interested!!

Since I had my consultation a mere 8 days ago... I spent days 2 - 6 of my cycle taking clomid, then day 7 & 9 had to give myself a shot (with Rob's help - I HATE needles, it was so hard for both of us to do those shots! Even with teeny little needles... still, not easy), then today on day 10 I went in for an ultrasound.

The Clomid went fine - I know lots of people have some bad side effects like nausea or hot flashes but following some good advice from a friend I took the pills at night and didn't experience any side effects!

The injections were a drug called Bravelle which is used to stimulate the growth of follicles. Today my ultrasound was to look at my ovaries and see how my follicles were developing. There was one mature follicle on one side and several on the other side that were almost mature. In order to avoid having 5 or so mature follicles (read: RISK OF QUINTUPLETS) they chose to trigger my ovulation today so the one mature follicle will give us the best chance of a healthy single baby and there are 2 or so others that also would have a chance to be fertilized but not likely. As much as I think I'd love to have twins, 2 babies for the price of 1 (to get pregnant with 2 at least), I'm sure Rob will be relieved to decrease the risk of multiples as much as possible.

So I left my apt and went home and needed to give myself a shot of HCG to induce/trigger ovulation. Luckily my sister Taba was coming over and I made her help me since Rob was at work. Seriously, I hate needles! And these are tiny little guys but still it was hard.

24 hours after the HCG shot we do the IUI at the Fertility Center. So that means 11:30 am on a Saturday and yes they are open! After that I will do the progesterone suppositories - apparently that is much more effective than taking it orally via a pill, fyi - for the next two weeks and then I'll find out if it worked or not.

**For the medications, the only one I filled at a pharmacy myself was the clomid. The Bravelle, HCG, and progesterone were ordered through a specialty Walgreen's pharmacy by the Fertility Center. The prescriptions I needed were overnighted to me! It came with the everything I needed to give myself the injections and I thought it was great that they came to my door - or actually I had them delivered to Rob's work since someone needed to sign for them and I didn't know if I'd be home. Another interesting thing about those meds, the Bravelle was really expensive and they said the company that makes it had a program for people who's insurance doesn't cover those drugs - I could pay $10 to join the "club" and then received almost a $100 discount on them. I was grateful for that! The total I spent on this cycles meds were $282 on the specialty pharmacy ones and $33 on the clomid. I had NO IDEA how much they would cost!

I'm sure this is obvious and all but I just really really really want this to work. This time. This cycle. I want it to work. It's hard to be hopeful and at the same time not set yourself up for disappointment. It's always been hard when my period comes but I think it will be crushing after putting in this effort, financially and emotionally... and yet I know statistically it could very well take 3 months, 6 months, or more even with treatments... so it's just a hard balance. I don't know how to explain that to people...

I'm grateful to be doing all that I can do to try to get pregnant and I want this to be successful so much.

Guess I'll find out in two weeks...

Consultation

Ok, here we go, full speed ahead.... STOP NOW if you aren't interested in the details of our baby making journey. :) I'll have a more exciting Robby post coming soon...

Our consultation apt with Dr. Slater went well! We sat down with her, went over both Rob and I's history, and then made a plan. I happened to get my period just the day before so it was good timing. She asked if I just wanted to do an HSG this month and see what that would show but I told her I was ready to just dive in.

At our apt Rob and I both had blood drawn and I had an ultrasound to make sure my ovaries looked good, no cysts or anything, before I started any medications. The blood draw for me would check my hormone levels at the beginning of my cycle. During the ultrasound she showed me both of my ovaries and that they had 5 folicles each which she said is what she wanted to see. Then in her words, "you don't have the most robust looking ovaries I've ever seen, but you know, it's ok, they're average." Great, I've got average ovaries. Ha! I just thought it was funny. :) But so everything in there looked good so far.

I have an apt to do an HSG test this cycle which is done at a hospital which will give us a much better picture of what's going on in there - and ps, if you're trying to call and schedule one ask for RADIOLOGY. I got bounced around with no one being helpful or knowing what the heck I was talking about for a while. And I already wasted about four hours of my life last month on the phone with both the hospital and the insurance company trying to figure out how much an HSG would cost me (somewhere between $86 and $1500, you know, somewhere in there) so we just had to decide was this important to do now or not and we decided yes so we're just going to do it and we'll find out how much it costs when the bill comes.

Speaking of the bill.... oh my... I mean, I expected to spend close to a $1000 per cycle on these treatments but at the end of our apt when the receptionist told me we owed already almost that amount I was a little flabbergasted. We had been planning/hoping the insurance company would pay for the consultation apt which is $230 and they still should but what I didn't know is that WE pay for EVERYTHING upfront and then it gets sent to the insurance company and if it's something they cover they send you a check. The consultation apt is really the only thing that is usually covered so hopefully we'll get that back. Then we had to pay for the medications separately which were an additional $300 so it all adds up super fast.

This is a lot of money for us to spend right now but we feel like it's the right thing to do for us. Even if we had to go into debt for this - I figure, it's way less debt than buying a home, still a great investment, and a worthy purpose. We'll figure it out and make it work. We might have to take a break inbetween cycles but we'll just do what we need to. It just was a bit of a shock to me how crazy expensive this is and it makes me a little sick to my stomach... or maybe that's the clomid? ;) But I can only imagine what people are paying for repeated IVF cycles or adoption and know that it is so much more and my heart goes out to you.

And I'm sharing this with you guys not to be woe-is-me but to help share the information I've learned through this process!!!

So Clomid - I always thought it was only for people who don't ovulate. I always get a positive ovulation so I didn't think this would be part of my treatment. Apparently it can help "super ovulate" you, per Dr. Slater, very technical terms here, and help with a luteal phase defect which I have. So I'm taking Clomid, then I'll do 2 FSH shots to stimulate my follicles, do ultrasounds to monitor the process and my uterine lining and then induce ovulation using an HCG shot, and then probably go for IUI this cycle as well. Then 2 weeks later hopefully find out I'm pregnant! Easy, right? If not, start it all over again!

Any questions?

I'm grateful the people at Utah Fertility Center are great... that I have a great support system... so thanks for thinking of us and keep your fingers crossed for us! How great would it be to get pregnant with just one cycle?? I'm trying to not get my hopes up too high! Their statistics say that 50% of their couples are pregnant within 3 months, 75% of them are pregnant within 6 months...

Next step

Update - it's super late and I'm exhausted from a long day but wanted to quickly update on what has happened since we went to that seminar.

The seminar was interesting - I have to say I felt like I knew pretty much everything they said in their presentation but that made me feel pretty good about the fact that I'd done my research. It was really nice to just get a feel for the practice as a whole and meet the doctors. Everyone was so nice and I felt really comfortable with them.

The main thing I took away from this was feeling validated in going to a fertility specialist - they said "infertility" was defined as trying for 12 months and not getting pregnant - and that didn't include necessarily charting your cycles or anything, just 12 months of not using birth control and not getting pregnant. So after 16 months of charting my ovulation and trying hard to get pregnant it is a very appropriate time to see help. I was able to talk to the doctor about my situation and give her my history and it was great to get an idea of what the process would be like.

The next thing is to go in for a consultation - this costs $230-250 but is usually covered by insurance. They said if we had trouble getting insurance to cover it then they could work with us on this, even deduct it from my first cycles charges. We will go in next Thursday for our consultation and hopefully be on our way to getting my body figured out and knocked up! :)

Come on, let's give this kid a sibling! Please!



I appreciate everyone's support and concern for us! I'll be sure to keep you posted!