Great news... and a really long answer

...my blood test results from yesterday came back with an hcg level of 0! That means that everything has for sure passed and the miscarriage is "complete." So with my hcg level back down hopefully the rest of my hormones will get in check so these dang headaches will stop! I've kind of had one constant headache today.... but at least I know the main physical part of things is over!

I have had a lot people ask me, "why not just get a D&C? What is so bad about a D&C?" That is a good question!

Let me first explain something about myself..... when I get into a situation I haven't been in before the first thing I do is try to find out everything I can about it. I bought or read about 10 different how to get pregnant books, then the pregnancy books/websites, then the new baby books, the how to get your kid to sleep books and forums.... then the miscarriage info.... so....

At the ultrasound where I found out the baby had stopped developing the ultrasound tech kind of freaked me out and made it sound like I'd need to get a D&C that day. We talked to a different doctor there who said I could definitely wait till the next day and talk to my doctor, Dr. Savage, about it.

I went home and googled "have a d&c or wait to miscarry" and found lots of interesting links, especially this one. I also read a lot of details on what a D&C actually is and what it entails on sites like this. The description of the procedure kind of scared me - just the thought of it makes my knees weak....

This info here helped me think about the decision....

Do I want to wait for a natural miscarriage?

Advantages: If you wait, you can feel certain that there was no mistake made. When the baby comes you will know that nature has run its course. You can go home instead of going immediately to a hospital or office procedure. You can take a little time to say goodbye and gather loved ones around you.

Disadvantages: This can take several days and be extremely painful and scary. You may have to have a D&C anyway if everything does not come out (called an incomplete abortion). It may be distressing to think of walking around with your baby who is no longer living. Having tissue come at home may be frightening and you may feel awkward trying to save it, although you must if you want any testing done.

Do I want a D&C?

Advantages: This is mostly painless and will get you back on track to start trying again much sooner. The physical part of the ordeal will end.

Disadvantages: There is some risk of damaging the cervix during dilation, although that has mostly been taken care of by using laminaria, or seaweed sticks to dilate you gently overnight. Some doctors now use a cream to begin dilation. (If this will not be done, ask if you are going to be dilated (very early pregnancies may not need it), and how. Mechanical dilation is riskier. Some women also worry about punctures or perforations of the uterus. While this is a possibility, the risk is small. Even if this should this happen, the uterus will usually heal without complications or harm to your next pregnancy. The main disadvantage to this procedure is that you will not get to see the baby, ever. If you are pretty far along, this may be very important.

If your doctor does not agree with your decision to either wait or to have a D&C, GET A SECOND OPINION. This is your baby and your life. If you need a second opinion, a good place to go is a women's hospital or clinic, where they usually focus on you, not the procedure, and help you make the best decision based on all the information available.

**I bolded that last part because I think it's a very important point!!!

The next day I called and talked to Dr. Savage and we discussed my options. Let me just stress - THAT is the sign of a good doctor. She discusses my options with me. I am shocked to hear, from lots of people, that their doctor decided they needed a D&C but didn't even explain there was another choice, or their lack of choice. And depending on their situation there may not have been but unless signs of infection (from the tissue that hasn't passed) are imminent that is unlikely. (Not that I'm a doctor or anything but from everything I've read and discussed with my doctor there is no medical reason to not have a few days to wait if you want to try and let it pass naturally if infection isn't a concern yet.)

It was hard for me to decide - I told Dr Savage I was nervous about having a D&C (I've never been under general anesthetia and there are always risks with that along with the other risks with a D&C) but that emotionally it would be hard to wait a long time... she said she'd be ok with me waiting a week, maybe two, and I decided that if I didn't start miscarrying on my own after the weekend (it was Thurs when we talked) that I'd have a D&C Monday morning.

I started to miscarry naturally Sunday night... I was grateful to miscarry naturally but yes it was very hard. If I'd had a D&C right away the physical aspect probably would have lasted only a couple of days, but again there are some risks which could've meant more long lasting negative physical effects. Also, a D&C would have been expensive for us, even with our insurance. A D&C is a major surgery and shouldn't be taken lightly. Looking back there were moments when I thought maybe it would've been better to just have had a D&C so that it would be over faster, but at the same time I can know for sure my body did what it needed to do and in it's own/natural way.

There are definitely times when a D&C is the best thing, like if the tissue will not pass by itself and is causing infection, or ultimately if a woman feels that's the best choice for her. Dr. Savage said when she had a miscarriage she had a D&C right away because she was in med school and felt like the best thing for her was to have the procedure and get it over quickly. D&C's are very common and most people I know who've had them had good experiences. It just didn't seem like the right choice for me.

The important thing is that a woman should know her options and be able to choose if at all possible. Sometimes you need to speak up and force your doctor to give you the information you need but you should always be treated with respect!

Even though it was awkward I switched doctors 2 different times (so, a total of 3 doctors) during my pregnancy to find a doctor who really cared about what I wanted. The reason I love Dr. Savage (who is a family practice doctor, not an OB) is because she just really cares about what the woman wants - if you want to go for a non medicated birth, great! If you know you want an epidural for sure, great! She gives you information to make good decisions. So if you need a good doctor she's awesome. You can find her info here.

Ok, sorry for this ridiculously long post.... I have a problem with being concise and not sharing all of my feelings and thoughts. Hopefully this all made some sense....

and a post w/o pictures is boring but what pictures exactly go with this subject? so sorry!

good news about me

So last week I had another blood test and my hcg level has finally come down! From over 2,000 all the way down to 32!!! So it looks like everything is going the right way and we'll do another blood test next week and it should be down to 0 then. This means that I was able to miscarry on my own and will avoid the d&c - which I was hoping to do.

Physically things are going much better - finally stopped bleeding, the cramps seemed like they stopped and maybe are now starting again but hopefully cause I'll get my period soon, and the only thing left are these dang headaches. They're just kind of off and on but they stink.... but it's not as constant and hopefully they'll go away for good soon.

I'm so grateful to be nearing the end of the physical process. I think one of the main things that will help me heal emotionally is being pregnant again so I really hope that happens again fast. There are still things that set me off and make me cry.... for the most part I think I am pretty open to talking about it and can talk about it without crying, but then random things just set me off.... it's just still hard adjusting to the reality of the future... that it doesn't include a baby in October anymore.... that our Christmas card will not be of a family of four.... that my belly isn't growing.... that by the end of May I won't know the gender of my next child....

Again, I'm grateful for my faith in God's plan for me because I have not felt bitter or felt like "why me?".... and I'm just so so so grateful for all the wonderful people around me who are helping me get through this.... thanks everyone for your support. It means SO much...

not quite past tense

I feel almost silly putting another update on my blog about this but since it's not over I guess I still need to talk about it.

Last week we were able to compare my hcg levels from 2 different blood tests (5 days apart) and the numbers - which the goal is to get down to 2 or 0 - were still above 2000.... the first about 2200 and the second 2050.... the good thing is they were going down just not as much as I was hoping. My doctor is wonderful and does not freak about about anything - she said we'd just check it again in a week (so that will be this Wed or so) and if it isn't going down significantly then we'll do an ultrasound to see if there's tissue remaining in there and if so probably do a d&c at that point. While it was a great visit with my doctor I'm still frustrated at the continuation of cramps, spotting, and weird hormonal headaches.... I hope to avoid a d&c still but at the same time I want it all to be over and if my body is not going to cooperate I will be happy to have an alternative to help end this physical process.

So I should have more information towards the end of the week of how things are going.... but you do realize it's already been 18 days since I found out I was going to miscarry? And it is so difficult that I can't even say, "I HAD a miscarriage" because I'm still HAVING a miscarriage. It's hard to move on emotionally when I'm still having physical symptoms and know it's not complete yet....

*A positive - during my visit with Dr. Savage this week we discussed getting pregnant again and she said I just needed to wait till my first period and then we could resume trying. I'm so grateful to not need to wait! I've read many different things depending on how far along you are when you miscarry, if you've had a d&c or not, or what your dr's opinion is... So I'm just glad she isn't advising me to wait 3 months or something because that would be really hard... it took 9 months to get pregnant this time (7 months for Robby) and I just pray that it happens more quickly.... When trying to get pregnant with Robby (again, sorry if this is TMI, just maybe wait for the next post if it is...) it was kind of hard work in terms of knowing just when I ovulated and being so calculating... I was so grateful I'd been able to get pregnant without turning it into a science project! But I've already warned Rob that this time around I'm pulling out all the stops, breaking out my TCOYF book, and doing whatever old wives tale/random thing I can to help this process along!

I found out I was pregnant on my birthday. It was the best birthday present I could've asked for. I was so happy....

*Another positive - I am so blessed to have so many people who love and care about me and have helped watch Robby and bring us food and check in on me.... this experience has shown me how important it is to really take care of each other! Thank you everyone who has helped me with your acts of service, prayers, kind words....


It's hard trying to live my normal life having this unresolved physical/emotional huge experience still hanging open.... my heart still feels a little broken....

update....

Thank you for all your kind comments/emails/phone calls/visits/etc. It's a really hard time but I feel so blessed to have such great family and friends to take care of us. Rob has had to be out of town 2 days out of the last week and that's been hard but everyone is helping take good care of me and of Robby. It's hard for Robby to see mommy sad and it's hard for him to spend the day away from me but I know he's having fun with his cousins and friends.

So everything is going ok - warning this might be a little too much info for some so skip this part if you don't want the details - I was scheduled to go to the hospital Monday morning at 6:15 am for a d&c. Sunday night it looked like I was starting to make some progress on my own and by 5:30 the next morning I decided to cancel the d&c and stay home and see what would happen from there. Monday was really hard, lots of pain and I think that I passed most everything that day. It's all slowed down considerably so it feels just like a really bad period. Sorry if that's tmi I'm trying to not go too into detail believe it or not. I will go to the doctor on Thursday to check my hcg levels (blood test) and then they'll do that again next week to make sure it goes all the way down, that's how they'll know if it all came out on it's own or if they still need to do a d&c. So please pray that it will work on it's own. I am grateful to be able to do it naturally and avoid the surgery and hope we'll continue to avoid it.

I just have to say I had no idea how physically painful a miscarriage would be. Emotionally, of course. But I didn't really consider everything your body had to go through. It is awful. And I had prescription drugs. I don't know what I would've done without Lindsay there babysitting me... If you ever have to go through this make sure you have someone with you at all times! Thank you, Becca, for making sure I did that because I did not know what to expect...

Monday Becca (my sister in law) had him all day (we put him to bed there Sunday night) and she had told him that mommy was sleeping/resting so when Rob went to pick him up he asked him if he wanted to go see Mommy and he said, "no, mommy seeping!" So that's what I keep telling him when someone comes to pick him up to play - mommy needs to stay here and sleep and then you'll come back. The other thing he said to me when he was leaving one day - he was hugging me and said, "be right back, mom." That's what I always say to him when I'm leaving him somewhere... it was really sweet. He is such a sweet boy and I'm glad I have him.

Tonight Rob is out of town and I just can NOT fall asleep! And I am exhausted. Sometimes I can't sleep when my mind is full so I thought this would be a good chance to give you all an update.

It does help to know so many people have gone through this, including 2 of my own sisters, several friends, and all the other experiences I've heard.... thank you everyone who has shared your experience with me. I'm grateful for everyone who's comfortable enough talking about this - it makes me feel comforted and also it makes me feel more comfortable about the fact that I do want to talk about it/share it with others. I feel bad that it is kind of a taboo subject in our society and I understand, now more than ever, that it is painful to talk about, but I have also been helped by hearing your stories and being able to discuss mine.

Love you all and thanks again for your prayers and kind words....

I was really looking forward to posting some exciting news Tuesday afternoon after my doctor's appointment. Unfortunately, now I have some sad news.

Many of you know that I was pregnant and now it looks like I'm having a miscarriage. I am about 10 1/2 weeks but baby stopped developing a few weeks ago and yet nothing has happened. I'm waiting a few days and if nothing still then I'll go ahead with a d&c probably.

I feel really grateful for so many of you sharing your miscarriage experiences with me. I know so many others who've been through this, it makes me feel not so alone. I know that going through this will help me help others in the future... I'm grateful for my family and friends and their support. I'm also so grateful to have little Robby. He doesn't understand why mommy is so sad and I know that's hard for him but I feel so lucky to have him and just hope he'll get a sibling sometime soon.

It was so hard to not post about being excited about being pregnant - I was going to wait till after my first appointment. And now I just feel like I need to share what's going on for it to seem more real. It feels like a bad dream right now....

I'll let you know how I'm doing....