Trying not to think about it...

I think I've been missing the "therapy" that is writing about what I'm going through...

In other words - SKIP THIS POST if you don't want to hear about trying to get pregnant and all that jazz...

So we did the one cycle of IUI (insemination) and that failed. The day we did the IUI they said the sample we had brought in looked low - low count and low motility... we did the IUI anyway but they suggested we do a full SA the next week. It was stressful waiting those 2 weeks, waiting to find out if the IUI worked, waiting to get the results from Rob's test.

At first I thought I was pregnant because my chest was really sore and then I looked into it and that is one of the main side effects of progesterone which I was taking. Then my temps started to go down and I just had that sinking feeling that I knew my period was going to come. Combine that with then getting the results of Rob's test, over the phone, delivered by a not so smart nurse who said, "Uh, yeah, the count was 5 million so.... um... it looks like the recommendation for you now is to do Invitro with ICSI. Does that sound right?"

I wanted to scream, or cry, and I was just shocked. We went from thinking we'd be spending like $800/cycle to $11,000/cycle for IVF w/ICSI. NO that did NOT "sound right." I was so mad. Flustered. Upset. I got off the phone quickly and just cried.

So basically the result from the SA showed counts so low they recommended not only Invitro which is super expensive but ICSI as well. ICSI is an acronym for intracytoplasmic sperm injection - which is a fancy way of saying "inject sperm in the middle of the egg". This process adds a couple grand to the cost of Invitro.

Anyway this is just really not an option right now, IVF, so I felt kind of deflated. I eventually made an apt to go in for another consultation with Dr. Slater to talk about my options. She walked me through the process of invitro and ICSI and the success rates with that. She also said we could still try IUI which is obviously much cheaper but the chances would be less. We could try taking multiple samples of sperm and combining them and doing IUI like that which might be a good option...

We decided to do a blood test for Rob to make sure his hormones and all that were fine. We were a little concerned because when we had him tested in 2006 when we were trying for Robby his SA came back with great results! It is interesting and helpful to know that apparently that can change over time!! So even if your DH had good levels at one point, there's a chance there could still be a male factor problem.

Rob's blood test came back fine, all normal. Oh yeah, she said if it was because of "stress" then his FSH levels would be low but they were normal. Now we are just trying to figure out where to go from here. Do we try another cycle of IUI even if the odds aren't great because that's more affordable? Do nothing now and save up money for invitro? Or what about the fact we can't even really afford everything we've done so far?? Minor detail.

It's a super busy time for Rob at work so we are trying to just put this on pause right now.

Meanwhile, I apparently am having hysterical pregnancies each month where I randomly feel so sure that I'm pregnant. No really. I've taken 2 pregnancy tests MID CYCLE just because oh my tummy looks so big, or my chest is so sore, or oh this random thing and then I can't get the thought OUT OF MY HEAD. It's like a stupid obsession. I hate it! I don't WANT to think I'm pregnant when I'm not! I don't want to think about but the thoughts just keep coming. It's so annoying.

You want to know something else that is hard? There are SO many random things that other people do right before they got pregnant that are things that you think, oh we should try that but there are SO MANY different things and obviously none of them actually are proven they are more like coincidences and it's just SO HARD to want to do all that you can to improve your chances but I'm already making Rob and I choke down a handful of multi-vitamins and supplements each night and it's just hard to know what else, if anything, we should try. HARD.

Even though this is a trial and even though it's hard I do know that we have so much to be grateful for. I don't need people to tell me it's part of Heavenly Father's plan because I already believe that with all my heart. I just also know He wants us to try our hardest and do all in our power to work for the things we want before He does His part and I feel this is me doing that.

I am happy, I have a great life, the most amazing little boy, wonderful husband...