Again, I don't blog very often because what I feel like blogging/talking about I feel like not everyone wants to hear about all the time... but you know what? Sometimes writing about this on my blog gives me a little bit of release - like sending these thoughts and feelings out there into the world for all you people to see just takes some of the pressure... the heaviness... out of my heart.
So, if you're not interested in the oversharing-ness that is me SKIP THIS POST.
I'm late. I'm just one day "late." As in, I usually start on day 26 and today's day 27 and still nothing. Obviously a normal cycle is an average of 28 days, great, sure, but for the last year I get my period on day 26. Ok. Normally I would not even give this a second thought, I don't let myself even *think* about maybe being pregnant because guess what, I never am! The combination of patience and my handy dandy basal thermometer = not having to waste money on pointless HPTs (home pregnancy tests) because my period without fail always shows up.
Every couple of months.... every now and then... like today... I let myself start wondering if I *could* be pregnant. Sure, the dr recommends in-vitro w/icsi and we haven't done any fertility meds or anything since last year but I have gotten pregnant twice on my own so it IS possible. I told a friend of mine I wanted to go buy some pregnancy tests because I was actually letting myself wonder if I could be pregnant to which she said something like, "there's no harm in that" or whatever...
But, oh, there is. When I don't even let myself think about it, don't consider it an option, when I just expect and then get my period it isn't hard. Well, it is, but I'm used to that feeling. What I'm not used to is this little sensation of hope or wonderment and then when those hopes get smashed it's awful.
But you have to go with your feelings and so I'll waste money on pregnancy tests and probably get my period an hour later and it'll go on...
Or I could be pregnant! *ha, there it is again! I almost just want to say to that thought, "GO AWAY. You are NOT HELPING."
And let me clarify - I do believe that one day I'll be pregnant again. And I know it *could* happen on it's own so that is a real option. We pray every day to have a baby (or Quattro who prays for 3 babies now) and I have faith that one day we'll have a baby. I don't know how to explain this... in the long term I'm hopeful.... Overall I'm happy and have a wonderful life but sometimes these moments are just painful and HARD.
I think it'd be easier to not think about it each month and one day be a happy surprise! All of us TTC'ers out there have heard, "if you just stopping thinking about it it will happen." After I punch those people in the face I'd like to ask them how do they suggest not thinking about something like that? Because even when I do my best to surround myself with other things, distract myself... you never don't have this in the back of your head....
Thank you for letting me take a little of the load off of my shoulders - even if no one reads this I feel better. Sorry this is one of the "darker" posts on this topic in my life - I promise I know Heavenly Father has a plan for me and all of that so please don't feel like you need to tell me that. I'm just sharing my thoughts and frustrations while I'm on this journey!
And something to cheer me up and a happier topic! My distraction for the last month has been getting more healthy/losing some weight and while I didn't really seem to see much of a difference when I looked in the mirror here are some kind of modest before and after pics that made me happy...
Yes this is kind of a lot of oversharing today, huh? Sorry folks! Don't say I didn't warn you! ;)
13 comments:
I am glad you feel comfortable sharing you light and dark days, as we all have them. I can't imagine the emotions you go through every month, but I truly look up to you for your faith and courage. Thank you for being a good example. Congrats on being healthier!
I bet there are more people than you think reading your post who have felt similarly and feel better knowing they are not alone in their feelings. It really is a release sometimes to be able to share in a forum like this - there's nobody standing there and trying to figure out what to say back to you. You are awesome and I love you!
Good job putting your feelings out there. I'm sure there are people who read, who are so grateful that they aren't alone.
AND on a happier note you look like a million bucks! I still can't get over how great you look!
I love reading your blog because you're honest. seeing how you deal with your frustration helps me when i come across something that upsets me; I think, "WWED?"
ps. you look sooo good!
Lady, you look GOOD.
Share share share.
I like your sharing. I think about you often and check your blog hoping to see an "I'm Pregnant!" in the headline! So what's the story? Has the period come yet? Not to help you get your hopes up but I'm dying to know! You look awesome by the way! Getting shape really is a great distraction...so is buying designer jeans afterward. ;) ;)
Thanks for posting this Esther! I know we don't know each other super well, but I'm glad I can read your blog and feel like we do. You basically took the words out of my mouth with this post... it's so hard to be hopeful, but at the same time not getting your hopes 'up'. Thanks so much for sharing.
And way to go! You look awesome! Your arms look totally ripped! (in a feminine way)
So I took a test this morning that was definitely negative but still no period.... ew!!!! more waiting! So annoying! If it's going to come I wish it would just hurry up and come! I'll keep you all posted...
umm, get pregnancy tests at the dollar store... i know i know... but my sisters dr told her that years ago because supposedly they are the ones they use at the hospitals... i have used them they work... ill secretly be a lil excited for you till we find out the news... you skinny girl
Thanks for sharing. I love hearing your thoughts. I know that it will happen for you one day too. And I think it's crap when people say "just don't think about it." Like that EVER happens. It was great seeing you at Target. We're praying for you.
P.S. You look amazing. :)
I love reading the TTC posts of course so write away!! I know not helpful statement but I hope you are I am and then we can be together!!
You look amazing!!! Good work and you should be very proud of your hard work!!
I'm so sorry Es... I don't know what else to say. I love you and I think of you always!
But, you look amazing!! I'm so jealous and proud of you and Liv for all your new healthy ways! I wish I could be as disciplined as the two of you! I need you near by for support! So how far apart were these two photos taken?
Wow, you really can see a difference in your pictures. Nice job. I feel I'm headed in the opposite direction (gaining weight!) and keep trying to talk myself into doing something about it.... And I wish that getting pregnant was always easy for good people who want it so badly. I doubt that you're looking for someone to make you "feel better" so I'm going to go ahead and agree with you that It just sucks and seems so unfair. I know you have faith and that someday you WILL have more babies, but it sucks going through the disappointments and never knowing how long it's going to be.
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